We all have those mortyfying moments. You know...the ones that make
you want to roll on the ground screaming why God? Why me ?. The ones
that make you wish the ground will open up and swallow you whole. The
ones that....okay you get the point. Some people are able to look back
at those moments and laugh while others still cringe about it years
later. Take me for example.
Sometime around april last year, my childhood friend was set to
get married. My new found crush was going to be a groomsman at the
wedding. Alot was at stake so i had to bring my A game. I had been
stalking the guy for months on instagram and this was my chance show him
the potential future wife in me. Yes. It was not a joking sturvs. So
anyways back to that particular dreadful day.The universe seemed to be
conspiring against me. Nothing was going right for me. Firstly, my
tailor did the typical. I went to fit my dress and it was atleast two
sizes bigger than me. Unacceptable. How can i showcase my baby girl
curves in this. I got the dress fitted upto the point that i felt my
intestines were also tight and on fleek. I could barely walk in them but
hey it was a small price to pay for my happily ever after. On my way
home, i had car troubles which was the last thing i needed as it was
towards the month end and i was inevitably broke. All my money went into
preparing for this day. But i wasnt going to let this stop me. I rushed
home and got ready. After weighing all my options i decided to take
Napep.Half way to my destination i realised that i forgot to take the
little cash i had when i switched to my evening bag. I begged the keke
guy to take a detour to the atm. I only had 2k left in my sad account
and i could feel the atm machine judging me as it spat out a dirty old
looking one thousand naira note to me. Ahn! Is it because the amount im
withdrawing is small :( i thought to myself.
On arriving, i asked the napep guy to drop me off by the
corner ofcourse. Big girl like me cant be seen arriving like this. I
didnt even mind trekking in my 6inch heels. I paid for my transport and
the guy reciprocated my 1k with a matching dirty looking change.
"Ah haba mallam wannan chanji haka." I beckoned.
"Yo
ai babarsu daya da kudin da kika bani. Baki ga suna kama ba. Ai ke ya
kamata na fada ma haka yar gayu irin ki be kamata a ga kina yawo da irin
wannan kudi ba." He replied back flashing an annoying smirk.
I
don't have time for this. I grabbed the rotten money which i crumpled
into my purse. Time was already running late and on entering the venue,
the bride's friends were already being summoned for a photo with the
couple. I started rushing to the stage but with style ofcourse while
scanning the room for le crush. On getting close to the stage, i finally
spotted him on the table next to the stage. Our eyes locked. Ah! My
heart skipped a beat. He looked even better in reality. Show has
started. I climbed up the stage and took my picture. When other people
were descending from the other side of the stage, your girl had to stick
to her mission and head for the other side where the crush was. In the
flash of an eye, one minute i was climbing down the stairs, next thing
my body was grazing the floor. I literally fell flat ass in front of
their table. I froze. "No way. This did not just happen. Its just your
imaginations." I reassured myself. It was not until i heard the idiot
MC ask through the microphone "is she ok?" That it finally dawned on me.
Everyone's attention was now drawn to me. Oh guys...that wasnt the
worst part. My body in a bid to breathe tore free from my dress. One of
my poor heels broke from the pressure of trekking i'm sure which drew
attention to my ashy feet that looked like i had smeared pap all over
them(excuse the melodrama). And the cherry on top of the cake, my purse
flung open and those dirty looking hundred naira change crept out to
join the occasion. *cries in 3D* . In that moment i begged God to turn
me into a mosquito so that i can quietly fly out. I did the most
logical thing anyone would do. I layed still and started forming faint.
That was the only way to salvage any ounce of dignity i had left.
Everything after that was a blur as i had to keep my eyes closed to play
the role while my friends whisked my away. The bride's brother offered
to take me home. While waiting in the car the last thing i expected
happened. My would-have-been boo showed up. Oh my God maybe this was
meant to be after all. And a tiny flame of hope sparked in me.
"Hey. I hope you're okay. Saw what happened back there".
"Im good. I just got light headed thats all."
"Im glad. Errr...you dropped this" he said as he handed me the
remains of my broken heel. The guy even had the guts to hold it so close
to my face that i swear i could almost smell my shame. Heaven knew in
that moment i wanted to use my remaining good shoe and beat him with it.
Thats how me and my broken heel embarked in what seemed to be the
longest ride home. My tears didnt start streaming down till i remembered
the change i left on the floor which i needed for transport to school
the next day. The idiot could bring back a broken heel but didnt bother
to pack my money for me.Kai ! Painment. I cried ehn! After all the money
i spent on this day. Absolute failed investment.
Embarassing moments are a part of life. The Silver lining is there
always a lesson if you are willing to replay the moment and find it. I
learnt that its expensive to be a baby girl, lol.
All in all, you know what they say, becareful what you wish for. I
wanted my crush to sweep me off my feet and hey, in a way he still did.
:p
Written by Shams.
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